He lives in Wilm-
ington, Delaware. His name is

JR.
He’s in his forties. He

does a 17-step skin care rou-
tine every morning, including

special exfoliation.
There is an idea of a
JR, some kind of abstraction,
but there is no real JR. Only
an entity, something illusory.
And though he can hide his
cold gaze, and you can shake

his hand and feel flesh grip-
ping yours and maybe you

can even sense your lifestyles
are probably comparable, he
is simply not there.
He calmly and coolly
drives his white Volkswagen,
gripping the steering wheel
in the 10-2 position (public
safety is a must). On the ride
to work, he listens to classical
music, Wagner, or perhaps
Beethoven if he is feeling it.
He arrives at school
early, and most days can be
seen outside greeting students
as they walk in. He will know
you by your first name, even if
you have never talked to him.
At exactly eight am, he
makes his way to his office. JR
understands the significance
of his work, like Atlas holding
the sky. JR upholds the well
oiled machine that is the WFS
upper school. Club leaders,
business team members, class

reps, and other student organ-
isers will sometimes attempt

to meet with JR, face to face.

These attempts at con-
tact are often fruitless as JR is

far too busy. He will often cite

a meeting as a reason he can-
not be reached. Top Whittier

investigative journalists are
still unsure of the contents of
these meetings; for now, all
we can do is speculate.

For those who have
conversed with JR, he has
been described as soft spoken,
yet the words he says have
weight to them. He has been
compared to Gary Cooper,
the strong silent type. To most

students here, he is an enig-
ma, a man of mystery. Per-
haps he is hiding something,

a secret identity, an unknown
past, ulterior motives, maybe
even an extraterrestrial origin.
He could be Wilmington’s
Batman, a vigilante crime
fighter, or maybe a scheming
supervillain. All we can do is
speculate, and give him the
benefit of the doubt. He very
well could just be a regular
person like you or me.
While the students
and many of the teachers
leave around 3:00, JR stays
behind to finish up work. He
heads home around 4:30, on
the drive back he continues

to listen to his favorite clas-
sical composers. Their music

helps him maintain his peak
cerebral performance that is
required for his profession.
He arrives home and
eats a balanced dinner, which
is necessary to keep in good

health. Afterwards, he re-
tires to his living room and

his books. He enjoys 19th
century Russian literature,
especially books by authors
like Fyodor Dostoevsky, Leo
Tolstoy, Anton Chekov, and
Alexander Pushkin.
He is in bed by no
later than 10:00, as a full
night’s sleep is necessary for
the peak cognitive function

that is required by his posi-
tion. In the morning when his

alarm sounds, he will repeat
this, he will continue to repeat
this routine until the weekend
when he can finally rest.

This article is a parody of
American Psycho.